"Everything That’s Wrong With Gay Dating Apps in One Extended Profile"
By David Toussant
No fats, no fems, no PNP, no one over 30, no face=no chat, no BS, NSA, no blacks, no Asians (nothing personal, I just think you guys are trolls). If you act gay, no chat. DDF, non-smoker, HIV-neg as of five minutes ago, into Random Play. If you think you’re VGL you’re probably not. Mixed here. No chat before you send more photos. No husband no wife, no boyfriend, no phonies. Say more than “hi” if you want me to respond. Find me on Instagram. No F-buddies. I’m not interested in what your dick looks like so don’t send pic. Must be hung. Massage therapist here. No leather or role-play. If you like musical theater, I won’t like you. Say something to impress me; be cool, be different. No body hair, no shaved pubes, no roids, not into hookups or groups. In Miami next week, NY week after. No top bunk, bottom bunk metaphors. Be yourself. No man-cunt, man-pussy, or man-breeders. Want new friends more than anything. Watersports welcome. Plan to Skype first so I know you’re worth my time. Dates preferred. Must have great sense of humor. No liars; I’ll know your real age. Latins to the front of the line. No short guys. Personal trainer too! No bars, non-drinkers. If I’m on here, I’m looking, so don’t ask if I’m horny. If you’re over 40 please be hot. If you’ve got a swimmer’s build, go swimming and go away. Yoga may be great for the soul, but I don’t want to f*** your soul. Must be extremely built. Professional, seeks same. Looking for hot buds to hang with 4 long sessions. No Middle Eastern guys—nothing personal, just a preference. Israelis a plus. Straight-acting. No daddies, dilfs, or bears or cubs or otters, NO twinks, no brainless body worshippers, no way. “Toned” = “Fattie,” so don’t bother. No “slim” dudes. Not into labels. Not into the “scene.” Tired of all the games on here. Spiritual. I’m great-looking, muscular, masc. vers. bottom looking for same to fill my sweet hole. Check out my White Party fb page. Discreet and honest and fun. Looking for a LTR and can’t host. I’m real. UB2!
I call bullshit on this. While most of it is really awful there are some that really make sense!
- non-smoker. I smoke, but I don’t if I’m meeting someone and you really don’t show up smelling like an ashtray when someone has gone to the trouble to specify that they are non-smokers!
- HIV-neg as of five minutes ago. That is really an exaggeration, and idgaf if people are offended. you should always be honest about your status and get checked periodically.
- NSA/Into random play. Well, the fuck is wrong with that. If you’re really looking for love on grindr it is you who’s delusional.
- No leather or role-play. We all have different things that make us tick, you shouldn’t have to go along with someone else’s fantasies if you’re not into them. Also, if you’re into them then you shouldn’t limit your experience but look for someone to share it with you.
Watersports welcome. I’m not into it, but if you’re both willing and into it why is it wrong to put it on your profile. it’s not a fucking resume.
I don’t even know what some of the others are and the rest are just shallowness which is to be expected.
Just be respectful and have some common decency when you’re not interested. But we’re not an endangered species, you don’t have to be attracted to/fuck whoever sends you a message!
If you’re calling bullshit, you’re in denial or you’re turning a blind eye to it… perhaps both.
Not to everything, most of it is true. But there are stuff in there that really should be on a public profile. Particularly on those kinds of apps.
And then I’m an asshole when I tell it like it is. People are too used to beating around the bush.